For So Sayeth the Homeowner:
IF you are friend or family and come for fellowship; if you are parcel-bearer bringing treasures by way of brown or white truck; if you are possessed of Food or Wine or Flowers or even Girl Scout Cookie, please proceed with ringing of the bell, located awkwardly low on the right.
IF you come to evangelize, HALT, for we knoweth the Lord and the Lady and the Blessed Child and do not further knowledge or a new relationship seek.
IF you come to solicit, HALT, for we are possessed of the most miraculous of Cleaning Products, the most erudite of Literary Publications and the Very Fine Time Warner Cable, which provideth us many hours of entertainment such as “Mad Men” and “Dancing With the Stars”.
IF you come to beg, HALT, for this year we are Standing With Wendy, supporting Planned Parenthood, and have also provided families of Foreign Lands with farm animals so that they may increase their prosperity now, and in future generations. We have not the resources to support EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.
IF you are any of the last three listed above, stay your hand and go in PEACE.
The folks next door are super nice.